Could You Describe the Ruckus, Sir?

All Of Me

2012-02-08T17:51:00.001-08:00

" Well, it's too late to make up some excuse

And say it wasn't me, well, what's the use?

Oh, you've seen too much

Ooh, let me introduce you to

This is my anger, this is my shame

These are my insecurities that I can't explain

This is my fortress crumbling 'round my feet

Take a good look, baby, this is all of me "

All I can say is yeah...

Back to School

2012-02-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

Well, it is official. I am going back to school. Of course, so long as the University of Kentucky doesn't deny me. Yes, that's right, I said UK. I hate UK. I hate everything Kentucky Wildcat related. I am almost ashamed to be going there. But, when the options are very expensive liberal arts school or half priced state university? Well, the university is where I go. Granted, I would dearly love to go to the lib arts school. But alas, it is not meant to be.

I am excited though, I'll be starting this fall. My plans are a major in sociology with a minor in theater. Not entirely sure how that is all going to work but I'll shoehorn it somehow. I have to be more disciplined this time around. It's pretty much my last chance at any kind of education.

And OMG the amount of student loans I'm going to have. It makes me weep to think of it. So, I won't. All in all, I'm happy about this. Now, if I can get my other goals for the year accomplished, I will be very pleased.

THE Song

2012-01-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

And now, because I've been drinking for a few hours, and have a metric ton of things on my mind, I've decided the best course of action is to listen to THE song. The one I haven't listened to in years, because of what it means.

Yeah, probably not my best idea, but I'm slightly numb thanks to the alcohol. As the opening strains play, my mind is taken back. Almost 18 years, just a month shy.

Let the pain come.

Drinking & Drama

2012-01-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

So. Tonight, I sit here working my way towards getting drunk. I've plenty of Guinness. And if that fails, there's a few spare beers in the fridge. And should that not get the job done, I'll just get more. Thank you, Lexington, for your 2:30AM alcohol sales cutoff.

I'm drinking away some pain, anxiety and regret. I've made some very painful mistakes in my past. And not just painful to me. They affect my children as well. One of them directly. It involves a secret that I and her dad have kept from her, that she found out today through an unwanted 3rd party.

See, one of my daughters has a different father than my other children. The sperm donor, as I refer to him, has been absent from her life for roughly 11 years. The man who has raised her that entire time is her Daddy. He loves her and will protect her the same as the other 3 kids.

I have done a good job of keeping him away from her, until today. He actually found her on facebook. He had found me a few years ago on yahoo. But I refused to let him communicate with her in any fashion. I made the decision that it was not in her best interest to communicate with him in any way.

Fast forward to today, and he sends he a message he had no business sending. At the end of the day, she does end up knowing the truth. And she made the decision to not have anything else to do with him. She said she knows who her daddy is, and that nothing has changed. She said she is relieved to know the truth. and that she isn't mad at us.

So now, we have to find a lawyer and start the adoption process. Hopefully that will keep him out of her life and ours forever. Her Daddy wants this, I want this. I believe she wants it, too. She said he was nothing to her.

I am feeling a mixture of emotions. I haven't been able to stop crying for long periods of time. I'm worried for my daughters safety. I will go to whatever lengths I must to keep any and all of my kids safe. But right now, I'm just scared. Of what, I'm not yet sure. But I am scared.

Oh....

2012-01-26T16:39:00.000-08:00

"Oh, and one more thing"

"Yes?"

"It's on bitch"

Cookies if you can tell me where the quote is from!

Medication, Music and Closure

2012-01-25T17:32:00.000-08:00

So. I went to see the crazier than me lady who is managing my meds. A nurse practitioner. I don't really care for this woman much. She has a tendency to be condescending, bordering on down right rude. But, she's what I have to work with so I best get used to it. Based on what I told her, she decided to up my Depakote to 2000mg per day. I've not yet looked to see where that falls in the normal therapeutic range. My luck, it will be in the "OMFG you're so batshit crazy we have to seriously dope you up to keep you from being a menace to society!" range. Talk about a real confidence booster.

There's been a lot on my mind lately. Mostly thinking about my problems, my past, things leading up to the problems in my past and etc. Music is something that has been on my mind, as well. I associate music with so many things. Almost every major event in my life has a song linked to it. Some are good, warm memories that I treasure. I take them down, look them over and smile.

Others are not so good now. It could be that they were good then but now they hurt. Or it could be that they are painful all around. Sadly, it seems that the painful ones are the ones I remember most often.

I feel that pain is what I deserve, for all the horrible things I have done to others in the past. That whole karma is a bitch thing. Because I know that I have not been happy much in the last several years. I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am just not meant to be happy. Not completely. The only time I came close, I fucked that up good and proper.

All of these mistakes I've made, there is a song for each one. And for the good times, they too have a song just for them. And I think it is the fact that those songs are connected to very important times in my life, I can never get closure. Because the music never goes away. Yes, it fades from time to time as another song takes over. But all of those songs, the pieces of my life, will never die.

I know music isn't the only reason for my inability to get closure in some matters. Truth be told, there are some that I simply am not ready to let go of and give up on. And some of those, I don't want to let go. Sometimes, I need the pain in order to remember. To know what it was like to truly be alive. Because I've been dead for a very long time. And I'm tired. That deep down in your soul kind of tired.

On a plus side! I'm about to start drinking. My beer of choice is Guinness, and that is what I will be swilling tonight. Though I think it's time for a trip to the liquor store and picking up my old friend Jack. Jack and I have become rather close these days, I'm finding I can tolerate him more and more. But yes, I think it is time for me and Jack to spend the whole night together, and try to remember what it feels like to be alive.

Stop Flipping My Switch!

2012-01-20T17:06:00.000-08:00

Yes. I have this switch within me. I can't control it, and that infuriates me to no end. It's like someone else is messing with me, flipping it when I least expect or want it to happen. What makes it worse is that I don't yet know how to control the fall out when it flips.

When the switch is flipped, everything within me changes. My thought process, my emotions, my feelings. Everything I believed in, is backwards. My feelings change, and I usually ruin relationships when that happens.

My therapist and I were discussing this today. She said I need to learn how to control my reaction when the switch flips and things change. Sadly, she didn't really offer any help on that part of things.

I was under the impression that some of the medications I take were to help in this. Apparently, I have been sadly mistaken. I have a workbook on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's suppose to work rather well for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe I should stop procrastinating and read the damn book.

Procrastination is a subject for another post. For now, I had to get my switch off my back . And start drinking. I love me some Guinness. Yummy, yummy Guinness

Writing, Ruckus and Regret

2012-01-16T15:33:00.000-08:00

Who would have thought that I, a writer, would have such a hard time setting aside time to write on here, my own little corner of the world that is solely mine? I surely didn't. I thought 5 or 10 minutes a day would be easy.

Damn was I wrong. Turns out setting aside that time is harder than I thought. Perhaps part of the problem is getting my mind settled enough to figure out what I want to write about. That's something I have to struggle with daily though. My mind tends to race at a frantic pace, grabbing a single thought is harder than most think.

The ruckus part of this piece is the story of my life. One definition, according to dictionary.com is " a heated controversy". Yep, that's my life. One controversy after another. Most caused by my poor decision making. Or as some people seem to think, my lack of decision making. Whichever, it doesn't matter. The end result is the same.

And that is regret. It is something I am struggling with today a great deal. I've made a decision that I have to live with, and I am hoping it is one I don't come to regret in some fashion or another. But it is, in its own way, a small accomplishment for me. I tend to avoid making big, life altering decisions. I avoid confrontation if at all humanly possible. So for me to make a decision is a step.

Now to see if I end up regretting it or now.

First Time For Everything

2012-01-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

First time for everything and so it is with this blog. I've finally written something in it. Perhaps I've finally came up with a reasonable subject. Or perhaps I've just become so trapped within my own head that I need somewhere else to put the thoughts and ruminations.

I have dealt with the symptoms of bipolar all my life. I believe it is a combination of genetics (my biological mother is bat shit crazy) & a traumatic childhood. All through out my childhood, I remember seeing psychologists. Though I don't remember any of them having any real impact.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar roughly 5 years ago. No, I don't keep track of dates very well. Very few of them mean enough to me to remember. I digress. My first "real" diagnosis came roughly 5 years ago, after my first real breakdown. It wasn't as severe as the ones I've dealt with the last 6 months, but it was significant just the same.

I finally got into regular therapy and saw a psychiatrist. Medications were given. Though I don't believe they actually helped at the time. But then again, my perspective wasn't very optimistic. Long story short, money was tight and my meds were less important than feeding children and paying rent. Damn right they were.

It's worth mentioning at this point the effects of all my disorders has had on my life. I have one failed marriage that I ruined. One marriage that has always been rocky due to my infidelity (which had a hand in my 1st marriage failing). I have 5 children, 1 of which I have not been able to see since she was 6 months old due to her father and I moving away, and he feeling it best that she not have contact with me. My 4 other children are living with their father, even though I do maintain custody of them. It was a decision made by the 4 adults involved that they would be better off with him, rather than me. And I still stand by that decision today, though not a day goes by that I don't regret having to have made it. These are the most important ramifications of trying to live with having Bipolar 1with psychotic tendencies, Borderline Personality Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. Though there are others relating to not being able to keep a job, further family issues, etc.

The worst part of being so fucked up, for me, is never knowing what feelings I am to trust. I am a prisoner of my own mind. My thoughts and feelings change so rapidly, grasping one to hold onto is difficult. A therapist during one of my 3 recent hospitalizations told me I had to recognize them as mood changes and not give in. Shit like that is so easy for someone who does not suffer this to say. It's like telling them to change their attitude and everything will be better.

Bull Shit!

So. Now that I've told you most of my deep dark secrets, maybe I should tell you some of my good qualities. I swear I have some. No really, stop laughing. I love to write. I'm working on a couple screenplays right now. And obviously, I'm writing a blog. Cooking is what I usually do to earn my keep. Though I am on leave right now from that. But I do love to cook. Neither my first nor current husband went hungry. In fact, the men in my life always seem to put on weight. I'm an avid hockey fan (Columbus Blue Jackets!) as well as a football fan (Buckeyes and Bengals! Playoffs baby!) And despite all my faults, I am really not the terrible person I end up being. I have an incredibly loving, caring heart that just wants to take care of everyone.

So there ya go. This is me. Love me or hate me, this is who I am.